I never choose to be like this and it is not my decision. I have created as a different person since childhood I have the body that is different from my behaviors and my orientation. I started my torment journey at a childhood and I did not know how can I live and face this ignorant male society as a man inside a girl body. I felt more frustration and depression. From the age of 6 years I played with my male friends only and I preferred only the games that carry a male characteristic. I was playing with my relative’s boys male every time when I went to their house, but my family prevented me from playing with them. Unfortunately, my grandmother hit me and she was leaving a scar in my body. This is only because, they don’t want me to play with males! and I refused to played with girls.
I went to girls school because, there is no escape from that and I did not attend many classes because I felt uncomfortable in my school life and I do not want to go with a body that does not represent me. I suffered from a severe dichotomy between my physical body and my gender identity in all of my life. Always I have this question “Why I am like this and why I have this feeling? why I have to wear a clothes that is not related to me? Why my behavior and feeling like boys and different from girls??
I began my college study at the university to get the bachelor and it was a period of psychological harsh pressure, oppression. I have tried to committed suicide many times but unfortunately I failed.
After I got my bachelor, my suffering is started, I asked myself. How can I find a job and I have this feeling? How can I find a people who understand that is not my choice and how can they understand that I have a right to live like any other citizen in my country?
I started search for the reason that make me reject my body and don’t accept my life. Accidently I discovered that my problem is called “gender identity disorder”. Unfortunately, the gender identity disorder is not recognized by the government and religious institutions as problem that make the person reject his/her body but rather it describe as a homosexuality activity that should be punished by Islamic law. Even the doctors doesn't believe about the gender identity disorder and doesn't respect the feeling of any transgender.
I was trying to find a job to gain money to have my surgery, but it is was very expensive. I told some of my family member about my problem, but they rejected me and considered it as change the nature that Allah is created it. They advice me to coexistence and accept my body because, my transition is a big sin and shame in the society. Now I am living in my country as weak person who don’t have any right to live or to have a job as well as cannot have a safe and normal life
I accompanied my mother during her illness journey. She has a cancer and I felt so sad for her diseases. Unfortunately, I did not find any mercy from the doctors or the nurse inside the cancer institute because I am Transgender. They asked me why I was look like this, they laugh and derision from me. The worst thing is happened when the oncologists doctor who is responsible for my mother treatment asked me to met him in private places and tried to abused me many time to satisfied his sadism desired! but because I refused to obey him, he intended to delay the treatment of my mother and the prescription of her medicine. As results of this doctor behavior, my mother is death. In the rest of my life, my mother's death was tortured me because I cannot judged this doctor because of the law absence and because the doctors considered me as a bad or guilty person
In the Egyptian street my situation is very painful; I faced a lot of harassment from people. They always insulting me and asked me are you a man or woman? And they describe me with very bad words like you are a gay or boy girl. That is not only, but it is reached up to fighting me by using the arms and the knife although I am very peaceful person, but I am a victim of this ignorance society who doesn't understand what is the gender identity disorder and they think that I don’t deserve to live. I am waiting for our problem to be solved and to get our full right like any other citizen in my country. We deserve to have a
happy life and a family like all people.
I went to girls school because, there is no escape from that and I did not attend many classes because I felt uncomfortable in my school life and I do not want to go with a body that does not represent me. I suffered from a severe dichotomy between my physical body and my gender identity in all of my life. Always I have this question “Why I am like this and why I have this feeling? why I have to wear a clothes that is not related to me? Why my behavior and feeling like boys and different from girls??
I began my college study at the university to get the bachelor and it was a period of psychological harsh pressure, oppression. I have tried to committed suicide many times but unfortunately I failed.
After I got my bachelor, my suffering is started, I asked myself. How can I find a job and I have this feeling? How can I find a people who understand that is not my choice and how can they understand that I have a right to live like any other citizen in my country?
I started search for the reason that make me reject my body and don’t accept my life. Accidently I discovered that my problem is called “gender identity disorder”. Unfortunately, the gender identity disorder is not recognized by the government and religious institutions as problem that make the person reject his/her body but rather it describe as a homosexuality activity that should be punished by Islamic law. Even the doctors doesn't believe about the gender identity disorder and doesn't respect the feeling of any transgender.
I was trying to find a job to gain money to have my surgery, but it is was very expensive. I told some of my family member about my problem, but they rejected me and considered it as change the nature that Allah is created it. They advice me to coexistence and accept my body because, my transition is a big sin and shame in the society. Now I am living in my country as weak person who don’t have any right to live or to have a job as well as cannot have a safe and normal life
I accompanied my mother during her illness journey. She has a cancer and I felt so sad for her diseases. Unfortunately, I did not find any mercy from the doctors or the nurse inside the cancer institute because I am Transgender. They asked me why I was look like this, they laugh and derision from me. The worst thing is happened when the oncologists doctor who is responsible for my mother treatment asked me to met him in private places and tried to abused me many time to satisfied his sadism desired! but because I refused to obey him, he intended to delay the treatment of my mother and the prescription of her medicine. As results of this doctor behavior, my mother is death. In the rest of my life, my mother's death was tortured me because I cannot judged this doctor because of the law absence and because the doctors considered me as a bad or guilty person
In the Egyptian street my situation is very painful; I faced a lot of harassment from people. They always insulting me and asked me are you a man or woman? And they describe me with very bad words like you are a gay or boy girl. That is not only, but it is reached up to fighting me by using the arms and the knife although I am very peaceful person, but I am a victim of this ignorance society who doesn't understand what is the gender identity disorder and they think that I don’t deserve to live. I am waiting for our problem to be solved and to get our full right like any other citizen in my country. We deserve to have a
happy life and a family like all people.
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Kind Regards
Zein Ahmed
Writer and Rights Activist for Arabs LGBT
